3 minute read. Content warning: Anxiety, self-critique, colonialism, reflections on control and productivity
chatGPT Summary: Kay reflects on the tension between intention and control while hosting a silent sunset watch party, examining how deeply ingrained expectations of productivity and performance shape their approach to gathering, and questioning whether they can truly let go and allow moments to unfold without intervention.
Reflections on the pressures to live up to expectations – a sunrise watch party.
The sun didn’t show up but it was there. The sky didn’t blossom, bloom, or dazzle, but it did darken and it didn’t rain. It was cold and we all shivered with inactivity but we did it. It was a success – question mark?
I am reflecting on the yet unattainable ability to let go. I couldn’t program the weather. If people wanted to leave, then could. Why did I hold such pressure to perform when I wasn’t the star player? The ego I am holding is astounding.
When I was first introduced to the idea of a communal sunset watch event, it was transformative. With great appreciation, respect, and love for the practices of χʷəy̓χʷiq̓tən Audrey Siegl, T’uy’t’tanat-Cease Wyss, and Anne Riley, I attended an event in 2021. It was interpreted in ASL, and while we all shared the actual sunset in silence, talking before and after were a part of the gathering. I actually experienced a brain glitch that day and struggled to overcome a stutter for the following few months. But even having lost a battle that evening in my ongoing war with anxiety, there was the glorious gift of wisdom. Following their invitation to integrate the witnessing and contemplation of the sunset into our practices as settlers on these lands, I wanted to take advantage of being in public this month and practice intensional gathering in silence and invite others to also witness the sunset together.
While conceptually easy – just stop and watch the sunset – I really appreciate how the action is far more difficult in practice. How do I sell the value of experiencing time, history, and inevitablity to my clients, peers, and co-workers? I have to believe it, and then I have to fight for it. Then I have to fight against my own internalized meritocracy and western, colonial upbringing, unhooking myself from the notion that being productive is the only measure of success and worth.
When I invited others to join in the radical silence at this sunset watch party, I was aware of how different the space outside of the studio trailer was compared to the control I had within the trailer. I was still in proximity to the trailer, but here, outside those walls, I was made keenly aware of how difficult it was to let go of control – that I was still trying to be a host. Before and during the event, I struggled to let go of the idea that I owed people something by asking them to give me their time, rather than it being without specific committment or structure. There was a shared purpose, but how or wether anything could be achieved, won, or made satisfactory, that wasn’t up to me. All that was required was time, and that was going to be spent, stolen or shared with or without our consent.
I didn’t expect to be so confronted with my need to control and please others in this practice.
I am scheduled to return to FLEET but in Burnaby in the new year. I am hopeful that they will be open to me hosting another sunset watch party. I think this is not only a practice worth honouring, but I also feel a personal challenge to recognize how much I cling to control and to see what happens when I honestly, and truely, accept that the sun will set whether I “host” something perfect, accessible, comfortable or not. Can I host without hosting? Can I just invite people to a share time and then let them be? See-see.
Technology note:
I continue to test the use of AI within my writing and artistic practice. I used chatGPT to create a summary and reading estimate, and recommend some content warnings for this blog, and Grammarly to assist me in spelling and grammar.